THE BIG BANG!
Pssst. Hey, you. Wanna become a hundred per cent real person? No, this ain't no jibe. Peter Shaw and Louise Cook welcome you to the Pleasuredome to talk it over...
Welcome to the Pleasuredome, says Ocean, and you're welcome to try it, says us. Frankie may go to Hollywood, but here in Mundanesville life ain't so easy for the like of Lenny Lowscore.
Picture downtown Liverpoole, a downmarket version of Brookside Close, those typical Beatlesque back-to-backs - this is your lot in life, being a zilcho percent person. Wouldn't you find the Pleasuredome an irresistible temptation? So along comes Flash Frank, passing the pleasure pills and taunting you to trade in your UB40 for a life of leisure. And what do you have to do? Frank would pass your task off as simple, but where do you start, Lenny Lowscore?
Having been trained in the Merseyside Mothers + Toddlers Muggers Association, you're already clued up on the finer points of breaking and entering.
Once inside the trraced treasure-trove, there's lotsa goodies for the taking - including those pleasure pills Frankie promised. Although most of the doors are already open, Tricia Tenant has left some handy keys around for those that aren't. Check out the kitchen, and amongst the clutter you'll see such delights as milk, fish and floppy disks. Not too exciting - but hang on to them, Frankie works in mysterious ways.
You've got a long journey ahead of you - don't overdose on the Pleasure pills, once your supply has run out you'll be lucky to find a pusher in Mundanesville. Relax Lenny Lowscore - those politically-hyped-arcade-games aren't just a fantasy of the pill popping antics - you've got to do well to prove yourself as a real person.
Once you're street wise enough, Frankie presents you with a game of psuedo-Cluedo. Miss Mundane lies dead in the sitting room, killed by an unknown object by an unknown person - solve that one Lenny, you'll need to to become a real person - remember!
Lust + Fear + Love + Faith x Frankie = a tough task for Lenny. Don't relax - got to it!
The path to the Pleasuredome is perilous, so persevere. Our plan follows a typical game of Frankie. Just by looking at the background colours on the screens you can tell which of the pleasure measures will be affected by your actions. As soon as each of the four pleasure powers is filled to the brim, you're on your way to the bug BANG! - at the top of each bar chart. As you can see we couldn't manage it - but then you probably know that we're not real people!
THE STREETFollow the yellow brick road - to the pink door. Behind here you'll find an open back door that'll transport you onto another street. And if you want to watch telly, look out for the aerials.Welcome to Coronations Street land. There are four identical streets in Frankie - only the colours of the doors change. Pink means the house has a back door and red telly you the second door in the kitchen leads to an arcade game.Back to t'roots in Mundanesville, eh lad! You're going to find life ain't a bed of roses. When you start on your search, it's an idea to set off slowly, and systematically check everything.BATTLE OVER MERSEYSIDEThis boxed off bit lets you know how many bases you have left. If you're baseless then wave goodbye to the game.It may seem a trifle laid-back but our top tactic for this game is to sit in the middle and keep your finger on the fire button. As soon as you start jigging around, you'll start to miss everything.The planes aren't the problem - the bombs are. If you want to keep your bases then you're going to have to shoot down the bombs before they blow.THE ZTT ROOMThe aim of the game is to build the ZTT logo but to do it, you'll have to press the buttons in the right order. A handy hint is to start in the top left hand corner and finish where the finger is now.Start by shooting down an armed barrier. The slow but safe method is to hotfoot it in, fire one shot then hightail it out again. Trouble is you'll be collecting your pension before you've finished.As soon as you've broken down the barrier at the beginning, this stairway springs into action.THE SITTING ROOMThis ain't no Habitat heaven - more a Shabitat let-down. But you're going to have to check out every drawer, retirement clock and video recorder in your pursuit of Pleaure pills...To open these drawers, you'll need to adopt the typical Merseyside strut - with arm outstretched. It's what your right arm's for! Sometimes you'll find, though, that it just isn't enough - and then you'll really have to stre-e-e-tch for the high spots.As things start to come right for you, Frankie rewards you with pleasure power on this bar graph. When all four peak, the equation: Lust + Fear + Love + Faith x Frankie is complete. BANG!MURDER, MYSTERY AND SUSPENCEGive us a Cluedo - this has all the cloak 'n' dagger elements of the full blown Basil Rathbone (no, not Baron Rathbone - BASIL! He made films stupiso!)You've got no chance of answering the quiz until you've uncovered all the clues. So, if you wander back to this room and you're asked whodunnit, don't fret that you've missed a clue - Frankie says relax.You'll turn up clues to the whodunnit as you wander around the other rooms. It's elementary, my dear Frankie.CLUEDOEven defective detectives have a good chance here. Once you've found the body, the clues appear as if by magic. Being a gumshoe was never this cushy at the pictures.It's all a case of logical deduction. Write down the clues and cross off suspects as you go. When you're left with just one name uncleared, set off for the sitting room and accuse your suspect.So, Miss Bland has a son in the RAF, huh? Well, if Frankie says the killer has no children then she's in the clear. Otherwise bear her in mind for the court case.THE SHOOTING GALLERYAs you get better, the game gets harder - typical that! The number of hits you have to make increases rapidly - you start off needing only 21 in 200 but it can rocket to 25 or more.Your gun sight automatically returns to this point when you're not pushing it elsewhere. After you've shot a bullet, it's a good idea to let the sight fall back here for re-loading. It's trickier than you think trying to take aim yourself.It's Maggie - just one of the host of targets you have to shoot at - popping up at random on the firing range. Your best bet is to position yourself in the middle of the screen.THE SEA OF HOLESWorrisit then? Is it a skateboard? Is it a hula-hoop? No, it's the lust symbol on its edge - and it's just waiting to swallow you up.Here you have to make it to the purple line. Trouble is, it's all down to chance and where you're thrown out of the hole.You'll only have to take your chances on this game the once to earn your pleasure power, so steer well clear of it. Why? 'Cos it'll bore you all the way back to Mundanesville, that's why!WAR OF WORDSIt's the boy-wonder of the B-movie, Ronnie Raygun. You take his part here on the left, while the Ruskies are on the right. Sounds like someone's got the politics sligthly skew-whiff!Your missiles make it through your layer of defences but break up the computer's. If you've got a partly destroyed defence barrier on your side, it'll build back to full strength if you fire at it.The Russians are coming - make sure you get 'em before they get you. Sacrifice one of your barriers and when the Moscow muppet is firing you only need to go up one step to shoot.WAR - GO FOR IT...Every second or so, one of these windows pops up and fires out a pleasure symbol. All you have to do is shoot it as it flies past - and the pleasure is all yours.If you miss a symbol and it hits you instead then you risk being put straight back onto the streets. And watch out if you're caught behind a window - you can get zapped without even realising it.As soon as you've popped a pleasure symbol another window will appear - just walk right into the next bit of arcade action.PUSSY GALORETo enter the arcade, just walk into the window. It's a whole new world in there. Playschool eat your heart out!Fill the cat's bowl with milk from the bottle and you'll probably run into the moggy as he comes for a quick slurp. As a reward, pussy will give you an arcade to play.The Power of Love. Too much attention to love makes the heart grow fonder bit it ain't going to make you a real person - keep your eye on these so you can pop a pill if things get low.THE CORRIDORS OF POWERHey, this is really way out, man. Actually, it's the way out - your escape route. From here it's back onto the streets or into another arcade game. But don't look for a plan - it's all random.As you make your mark in Mundanesville, you're gonna start clocking in the wicker work gates. So, what are they there for? Well, c'mon in... you'll find yourself in surroundings not unlike these.Jumpin' Jehosophat! Watch out for Frankie's great balls of fire while you're on your travels. Zap 'em and new doors shall be opened unto you!THE KITCHENLeave here and you'll be back in back-to-back land on another Coronation Street-look-alike. But remember - there's a whole new set of objects to add to your collection there.Here's everything plus the kitchen sink - but there's not much in the way of kitchen sink drama. You'll find the objects you're after in the drawers, fridge and on the worktops. The hot programs are keeping cool in the fridge - take them to the computer room to use them.PLEASURE PILL! PLEASURE PILL! Wow, man, can hardly wait to get hold of the promised power-pushin', score-liftin', real-man-makin' antidotes to Mundanesville. Reeeeeelaxxx!THE COMPUTER ROOMIf you want to get passed, get a pass! You'll need secutiry clearance to make your way round the computer, so remember to pick up a pass at the main gate.For the power-crazy, this ornamental gateway leads you to the Corridors of Power. But this is no flak free zone - so, remember to take your flak jacket with you.Put your floppy disk into the computer but mind out - they have a nasty habit of being corrupted. Sounds remarkably like Microdrives!CASE SOLVEDSo, Sherlock, you've solved the case - but don't come over all smug 'cos there's still some way to go before your become a real person and take a trip to that Pleasuredome.This time you've cracked the case, but it'll be a completely different story next game. And remember to make notes while playing the whodunnit or you'll have no chance of solving the mystery.If you can't crack the case then tough! - no way will Frankie let you carry on your quest for ultimate pleasure.