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Virgin Games Ltd
Adventure: Graphic
ZX Spectrum 48K/128K
Multiple schemes (see individual downloads)

Other Links

Andy Smith
Chris Bourne

Virgin's illegitimate arcade romp.

Sexy Ade Edmondson (as he likes to call himself) plays lead sprite in this Spectrum version of the game based on his book of the same name. With tips from the great man himself your mission is to invade a Yuppie party and ensure your place in the Bastard Hall of Fame by ruining the party and upsetting the guests so much that they all leave.

With each yuppie that leaves the party, a letter from the words 'COMPLETE BASTARD' displayed across the bottom of the screen lights up permanently. If you only mildly upset a yuppie then the letter only lights up for a while. The object is to get your new-found status up in lights and achieve complete bastardom.

Lots of things can upset a yuppie. Ice cubes in a lady's underwear, for a start - that will upset her for a while, but not enough to make her leave a party - whereas making custard pies and splattering her dress with them would have her out the door in no time and so permanently light one of the letters. The men aren't all that keen on having perfume sprayed on them either, which might give you the idea that this game is ever so slightly sexist. You'd probably be right.

In addition to lighting up the letters you've also got to score as many bastard points as possible by doing generally obnoxious things like farting in front of people or drinking washing-up liquid. Four meters displayed around the screen measure such things as your drunkenness - which increases as you drink more of the "Monster Get Pissed Fast lager'- and a 'weeometer' which also increases as you drink various liquids found around the house.

As you wander around, the horizontally-split screen gives you two separate views of the same location and both these views can be rotated independently, enabling you to see everything in any location. This is very confusing to start with but, after a little perseverance, it becomes a lot easier to handle and eventually adds to the game.

Controlling your character is done via a menu that appears in the bottom window whenever you press the fire button. Different options become available depending upon your location within the house or the room.

The graphics are nicely detailed and the animation is smooth, though its a shame you never get to watch any of the bastardly deeds that you've commanded your character to do - merely a text description of what the consequences of your actions were. Sound is limited to a jolly title tune and the odd effect (farty noises etc.)

Being a complete bastard is a lot of fun and requires quite a bit of puzzling. The idea's original (although the game format isn't) and the gameplay improves with familiarity. All in all a far superior product to the Young Ones game that was released some while ago.

Reviewer: Andy Smith

Spectrum, £7.95cs, Reviewed
Amstrad, £8.95cs, Reviewed
C64/128, £9.95cs, Imminent

Predicted Interest Curve

1 min: 55/100
1 hour: 65/100
1 day: 70/100
1 week: 68/100
1 month: 30/100
1 year: 20/100

Perseverance breeds lasting interest.

Detailed and well animated.
Good title tune but otherwise spot fx only.
Some puzzling over what to do with the objects.
A witty romp - while it lasts.

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Bastards come in all shapes and sizes but rarely to your computer screen (despite what, you might call those aliens who manage to rob you of a high score) which makes what could could have been an average arcade adventure a lot more interesting and enjoyable to play. It's a pity, though, that you don't actually SEE yourself performing bastardly actions. This trick of substituting text messages for on-screen action (as in Dan Dare, for example) is all very well but when are we going to see some real action?


Every bit as playable as the Spectrum version reviewed here, with the same control method and game concept. More colourful graphics are of a slightly higher standard but, that apart, it's very similar and certainly as much fun.

Screenshot Text

Coats to investigate.

Stairway to fun and frolics.

You, from different angles.

Light these letters by being obnoxious.

The trainee bastard's gatecrashed the yuppie party and "bastavision" gives you the chance to view the action from all possible angles. I wonder what could be lurking in the pockets of those coats?

In the bathroom, where a trainee bastard can find lots of uses for a sink. The menu is your way of controlling the character's actions, but unfortunately you only get a text response to your requests.