I met Mike from Neighbours the other day. He came into Dixons and asked for a gold-plated headphone adaptor. I just thought I'd mention it. The game? Ah, yes, the game. Erm, well it took me a bit of time to get to grips with it but I managed in the end and didn't I have a jolly time? (We don't know, did you? Ed) Not really.
I was dead excited when I was given this game 'cos I, erm, quite fancied the Op Wolf type hunk on the cover. I loaded it up expecting to be thrown onto a world of jungle fever and mercenaries. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that, instead of being transformed into a machine-gun toting Bruce WiIbs on beta-blockers, I was to play a rather feeble space ship.
Now, assuming this game was anything like R-Type, I'd be more than content. But R-Type it isn't, which is why I've had more fun putting in my contact lenses than playing this haven't-I-seen-this-a-million-times-before type game. The idea is that you're on a mission to blow up some planets. Nobody really knows why but you've got a job to do so no questions asked. Choose which planet you want to blow up and then look at the inlay to see what to do next. Apparantly you have to set some detonators and then blow them up. Exactly how you do this isn't really made clear. It seems that your best bet is to shoot things, collect things and die courageously.
Sounds boring, doesn't ? Well, that's 'cos it is. It's boring, really, really boring. Basically, what we have is a shoot-'em-up without any real concept. If you're really lucky you'll be able to tell an ionic battery from an entry capsule. However, if you're anything like me, you'll just shoot like crazy and hope for the best.
To be fair, The Last Commando does have its good points. The ion batteries look uncannily like Swiss rolls. Unfortunately, this is not nearly enough.
A dull spacey shoot-'em-up. You'll have more fun doing your maths homework.
Blowing up planets is actually much harder than it looks. All those telly programmes where they destroy entire worlds are complete rubbish.
Singing folderol-diedoh, my hedgehog's called Cyril. He's an albino crime-fighter...
And with his cape on he looks whizzo. He leaps from thickett to prickly bush...
So shout out his name or just shut your mush... mate! By DV Spanner (ageing nicely).
"Shazam," said Grisum. "How d'ya like my teflon undies then?"