Right, I'll level with you. Stuart of the clan Campbell was supposed to be reviewing this but he's vanished into the Twilight Zone. So you've got me instead. You know, the one who does the Killer Kolumn. What do you mean, all he knows about is SF? I know my Speccy games, me.
Take WWWF for example. It's got the kind of multiload that makes 2001: A Space Odyssey seem really fast-paced. The tape whirrs, the screen flashes (exactly the way the Star Gate in 2001 didn't) and you get an option scree. Let's choose Hulk Hogan (well, Ultimate Warrior was a rubbish film and I always hated British Bulldog at school). The tape whirrs then you're told to turn the tape over. The tape whirrs - oooh, something exciting at last.
Er, maybe not. Mr Perfect makes some cutting remarks about our Hulky. Never fear, 'cos you can choose an insult to fling back - not that it's in the Vogon poetry league of inflicting physical pain; more Pam Ayres. Then the tape's off again. Yep, we had to endure a good few minutes' loading for that nonsense.
Finally, the game proper. A US_style wrestling sim that's nothing like the sport it's based on - you don't get to rehearse your moves with your opponent before the bout. Instead, you have to use combinations of joystick movements or keyboard presses to make your wrestler perform kicks, hits and hugs, not to mention flying and running versions of the same.
There's some frantic icon-prompted waggling and button-pressing as well (surprise, surprise). Waggle or press fast enough and you can mangle your opponent to a pulp - and I don't mean '50s SF comics.
There's a decent range of moves and the controls seem logical (Captain) though unless you make sure you're dead level with your opponent you end up flying past him when you perform a move. Strangely, the Speccy-controlled wrestlers never have this problem. Two-player mode is fairer, but finding someone daft enough to play against could be difficult.
It's all a bit humdrum and becomes very samey quicker than the Nightmare On Elm Street movies. The names of your opponents and their insults might change but the gameplay never varies. Buy Deep Space Nine on video instead.
Derek summoned his strength for a last-minute sprint. But it was too late! Even as he bent to place the glass of water, Henry the Magnificent plummeted 150 feet to the sawdust.